- Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
- I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
- There are five types of fear.
- 1. terror
- 2. panic
- 3. 14 missed calls from mom
- 4. username or password is incorrect
- 5. we need to talk
- My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
- My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
- If you have to ask someone “Didn’t you get my text?” that person hates you.
- I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
- I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me. This is bullshit.
- Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me every time it happens.
- Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.
- Hate it when you open the fridge and can’t find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
- Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
- If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
- You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.
- If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.
- What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
- I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
- Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
- Pretty sure crosswalk buttons don’t actually work and are only there to make us feel like we have control over our lives.
- It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
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