- Every day this week is going be the same backwards:
- I wish I were a koala so I could sleep for 22 hours a day and eat for 2 hours.
- The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
- I’ve enjoyed giving presentations at work a lot more since I started communicating exclusively through interpretive dance.
- The stock market’s too volatile, I got my money in Jamba Juice gift cards.
- I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
- I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
- People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song.
- Ok jerk, just go around me. I’m already doing 20 over the limit, I’m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights.
- Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
- Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
- Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
- People who say they are never on Facebook are usually the ones furiously refreshing.
- If you’re gonna rattle my cage, you best make sure I’m padlocked in it.
- Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
- It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
- Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
- Teach a man to fish and he’ll be like “Cool, thanks!” Teach a woman to fish and she’ll be like “You’re doing it wrong.”
- “Marry your best friend,” they say. “Don’t marry a cat,” they say. Make up your minds!
- The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
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