Laugh Worthy Facebook Status Updates

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• After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.


• Remember: Life isn’t about having amazing experiences, it’s about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.


• I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.


• That awkward moment when your kindness is mistaken with flirting.


• Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.


• It sounds fun, Autocorrect, but I am enjoying beers with Jess, not Jesus.


• I like most people as long as they’re not behind a steering wheel or a keyboard.


• Every time I eat Chinese I feel like I weigh won ton.


• Hashtags make your posts completely invisible to me.


• If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace, how many bedrooms would your mansion have?


• Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that shit.


• Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?


• Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.


• Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else


• Hey you guys making fun of the people you see in Walmart…you were in Walmart too.


• My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.


• Women don’t go crazy, they are crazy. They just “go normal” from time to time.


• I’d be a great cat because I hate everyone but insist everyone loves me.


• ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them


• Girls who say “a lot of guys are after me” should keep in mind that low price always attract many customers

Tags: Laugh Worthy Facebook Status Updates