- That awkward moment when you don’t understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.
- 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
- Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk ass.
- Your mom’s so easy her nickname is ‘Staples’.
- This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
- If you say A for effort I’m going to correct you and say E for effort.
- Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single..”
- “Beauty sleep” is such bologna I sleep 12 hours a day and I still look like a trashcan.
- McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
- Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
- I need new swear words.
- I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
- Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.
- Me: We could see snakes on a plane if you want.
Friend: oh cool whats it about? Me: Elephants…..elephants on a boat. - I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
- Don’t worry, Prince Harry. We only have one bathroom, so I too know what it’s like to be 3rd in line for the throne.
- It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
- If Candy Crush had a face, I’d punch it.
- Said Hi to my crush on chat. She didn’t reply. Awesome! I left her speechless.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
- That awkward moment when you fail at being mad at somebody because they make you laugh.
- People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again.
- You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them.
- I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a normal sleeping pattern.
- Even staring at a wall becomes interesting while studying.
- I hate it when I meow at cats and they don’t meow back. Unbelievably rude.
- Any woman can drive you crazy when you’re with her. Find the woman who drives you crazy being without her.
- My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
- Are we posting pictures of missing vegans on soy milk cartons yet?
- I’m convinced girls only want one thing from guys… All of our hoodies.
- Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
- Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
- Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
- At the end of my dinner the waiter asks “wanna box” so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he won’t ask that question again.
- Depresso: When you’ve run out of coffee.
- Dear auto correct, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
- You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
- You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.
- These spaghetti-o’s taste like I don’t get paid until tomorrow.
- Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
- Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?
- So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
- I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
- I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
- New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.
- I’m all for change as long as it doesn’t directly affect my routine.
- It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
- I keep forgetting – which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
- I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair.
- Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
- FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
- Hey, girls who won’t stop talking about how much you love sports: We get it. You want a boyfriend.
- I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
- I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
- Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
- I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights….just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a train.
- Hey scientists, you gave us Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. How about you stop playing with your dicks and give us something for cancer?
- It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.
- Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life
- I saved a TON of money today by not being a shortsighted, materialistic idiot.
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